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now she had her breath again. after a fullmoon's night that was spent with pretty strangers and rose quartz liquids and then on the windowsill with papers and pencils all sharpened but voiceless, she was braving the sunlight. braving was a word too great but she carefully led her milky hand towards the light spot and watched the reflection of the glitter she had painted her nails in like fragments of confetti.
there was something in the room that still told of narcotic kisses, lavender oil, the vegetarian rice dishes, the children's belief, the dances, the promises whispered, the butterflies, the innocence.
she was still there (yet fragile, which made it impossible to handle her, right?) but her paperheart had words written all over it now that told her to never love a wild thing and not believe in promises and she was wailing just because she knew it before, she knew it all back then before she let him tame her. Before he made her believe in something so much that would just fade away like feathers in a spring wind when he had made it seem permanent.
she had never believed in love much - love of course for flowers and the skies, and birds and the smell of sunlight and poetry and fullmoon nights and rose petal tea- but relationships had always seemed surreal to her, even the happy ones. whatever may come may come she had thought and laughed off each boy that came with flowers and promises. untill he came along and made her believe in it all and rewarded her with honey kisses and his eyes that looked at her as if they had never seen something quite like her. sometimes she had still wondered how easily she had let him catch her but she thought she had let it happen so she could kiss him whenever she wanted to.
but it all changed before they both could see it- he with his fears that he turned into other people's words and beliefs just to have something to hold on to and for the first time, feel something that he wanted to mistake for hisself so much. and then one day he woke up and the heart was gone. how shallow she just looked and he wondered what he'd ever seen in her when in fact, he didn't even see her at all after all this time. he didn't know about her books, full of poetry and quotes, words that people said without even knowing, the truth in animals' eyes, the songs of the moonlight, theories of making the world a better place with sweetness, and plans to fold a hundred paper cranes to put up in a tree to make someone wonder or smile. he just couldn't see her anymore. I don't know what you put into the word forever, to me it means you don't just change your mind.
he left her near the animal shelter like a cat you didn't want to take care of anymore. she went there and looked into their eyes that day and she understood them in their confusion and bravery and she wanted to take them home with her so they could tell stories of fading ghosts and run away and never be caught again. you tell me you are my friend but what kind of friend does that.
she bought herself strawberry milkshakes and wandered around town, like she had done before, and although she felt amputated for the part of her soul that was missing, somehow it felt as if it had never been any different. she looked at the lovers with their narcotic kisses and children's belief and just wanted to tell them run. or maybe it was just not for her.
she was still there, dressed in lace, surrounding herself with the lemony scent of spring, with her paper cranes (they were about thirty now) and put all the words that were left unsaid now into silent guitar songs. she was falling down the rabbit's hole and she still believed what came afterwards would be wonderland. I just thought you would be there with me. the one that had one day woken up and decided to leave the girl alone, the one he had called his dream, his fairy, his forever not even a month ago. and some day he would realize he had lost her, too.

39 comments:

Vici said...

wow :(

Angela Leberte said...

everything about this post is just gorgeous.
you are a talented person.

xo
www.fluentbeauty.com

MONSIEUR MAIKI said...

LOVE IT!

balletslippers said...

so heartbreakingly sad, yet so beautifully put into words

Joana said...

oh dear Isa I´m crying! this is beautiful and heartbreaking <3

Loulou said...

it will get better, it will, although it might not help now, but you will get better and it all will have a meaning one day.

nancy said...

that is so, so sad. and so, so beautiful. I hope your chin is up.

Hazy Days. said...

Oh darling, I love your blog! I was looking for nice blogs through my friend's blog and found yours, if you would like we could both follow each other? Let me know in a comment lovely! Mine's: www.elishayates.com

<3

Anonymous said...

The spring wind will come and collect your every teardrop. It will spread them to water the flower seeds, waiting to blossom on a warm and sunny spring day. Just to make a girl smile again.

Triin said...

where is it, what is it on the picture- in the cliffs?

Eirene said...

it's ~oh~ so sweet! Although sad, but beautifully sad! The kind of sad that you want to cry, because you really felt it on your skin, but beautifully put into words!

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Lisa Price said...

Found you on bloglovin' and I'm lovinggg. Keep up the great posts. Xo.

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CoryB said...

i'm so sorry, isa.

b. said...

So much emotion radiating from this entry. Your words are so sad, but hauntingly beautiful at the same time...

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∞LISS Mondkätzchen said...

du inspirierst mich so sehr.


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Lola Finn said...

Ist der Hase tot?

Sara Inga Catrin said...

This is as many others have already said, beautiful yet heartbreaking. Crazy how simple words put together can become something so beautiful like this. Keep writing, x S.

- said...

I have kept an eye on your blog for a few years now. Sometimes I felt like the dresses you wear, the words you share are not genuine. It seemed as if you were trying too hard to portray yourself a certain way. But I still kept coming back to your blog. I now realise that this impression I had of you might stem out of envy, out of fear that you are the better, prettier, skinnier, more talented and articulate version of me.

I admire the way you fill your life with passion, creativity and magic. You seem like a lovely person and I love your way with words.

It's been a few days since you have posted this piece, and I hope you are feeling a little better. When i once burst out into tears in public, a very sweet lady reassured me with the following wise words: "whatever has caused you grief, things will always get better.."

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Irene -_+ said...

Hush
She, the girl with the sunshine hair left alone in the darkened woods surrounded by tall trees and gruesome shadows of loneliness will soon realize she was never alone. The unicorn boy may have disappeared, but the mystic moon didn't left her.

I have been following your blog for quite sometime now. I feel for you, please remember that you are a dreamer Isabelle, and a dreamer goes where her heart's supposed to go.

Frock and Kohl said...

Love your blog, the posts are simply beautiful- very thought provoking.

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Hayley said...

you just described my last relationship in full. he found me darling, enchanting and precious and one day i woke up and it was no more. thank you for your beautiful words. you are lovely

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